This strange and unwelcome feeling; it’s something that comes around once every 6 months. A period of anxiety, depression, and self-doubt washes over my being. I like to call this my bi-yearly “what the fuck am I doing with my life and why am I so unhappy?!” phase and it has arrived with much gusto and fanfare in 2009. I’m not surprised when it chooses to make an appearance. I expect it, yet I can do nothing to plan for it. Rhetorical and non- questions form in my head It’s no surprise that I can become a miserable person during this period. I can safely say I am normally outgoing, gregarious and even keeled. I am confident in who I am and what I stand for. Flip that switch and I turn into an irrational, incoherent shell of myself.
Work avoidance is a clear symptom something is transpiring. Spending my days doing anything other than what I’m paid to do is neither comforting nor enjoyable. Unfortunately, the bi-yearly occurrence typically falls during audit season and I’m left struggling to pull my shit together in order to not lose my job and jeopardize the firm’s livelihood. To say this is difficult to accomplish would be an understatement. Online window shopping is another trend likely to be seen. To satisfy my consumer cravings, I (browser) window shop, putting things in my cart without consideration of need, price or logistics. At the end of the day, when the browser is closed and the cart is emptied, I’m not left with the embarrassment of leaving a full trolley in a back corner as one typically would in a shop. Unfortunately, I caved in yesterday and bought the most ridiculously large hair accessory I could find. When the box arrives on my doorstep in two weeks, I will be left with a sense of bewilderment as to why I chose to purchase a silk flower that is nearly a foot in diameter.
During these times of strife, strange things begin to happen. My eye twitches. I am left with insomnia. My mind is unable to focus. My aggression is a clear and present force. I lose sense of who my friends are. Worst of all, I lose sense of who I am.