All bark, no bite 'Cause there's absolutely no substance behind this.

This strange and unwelcome feeling; it’s something that comes around once every 6 months. A period of anxiety, depression, and self-doubt washes over my being. I like to call this my bi-yearly “what the fuck am I doing with my life and why am I so unhappy?!” phase and it has arrived with much gusto and fanfare in 2009. I’m not surprised when it chooses to make an appearance. I expect it, yet I can do nothing to plan for it. Rhetorical and non- questions form in my head It’s no surprise that I can become a miserable person during this period. I can safely say I am normally outgoing, gregarious and even keeled. I am confident in who I am and what I stand for. Flip that switch and I turn into an irrational, incoherent shell of myself.

Work avoidance is a clear symptom something is transpiring.  Spending my days doing anything other than what I’m paid to do is neither comforting nor enjoyable. Unfortunately, the bi-yearly occurrence typically falls during audit season and I’m left struggling to pull my shit together in order to not lose my job and jeopardize the firm’s livelihood. To say this is difficult to accomplish would be an understatement. Online window shopping is another trend likely to be seen. To satisfy my consumer cravings, I (browser) window shop, putting things in my cart without consideration of need, price or logistics. At the end of the day, when the browser is closed and the cart is emptied, I’m not left with the embarrassment of leaving a full trolley in a back corner as one typically would in a shop. Unfortunately, I caved in yesterday and bought the most ridiculously large hair accessory I could find. When the box arrives on my doorstep in two weeks, I will be left with a sense of bewilderment as to why I chose to purchase a silk flower that is nearly a foot in diameter.

During these times of strife, strange things begin to happen. My eye twitches. I am left with insomnia. My mind is unable to focus. My aggression is a clear and present force. I lose sense of who my friends are. Worst of all, I lose sense of who I am.

I’m genuinely not happy and I don’t think anyone knows that.

Do I hide it well or is everyone so self-absorbed they can’t see what’s going on with anyone other than themselves?

Someone tell me what’s going on.

Annals of Crime: Don’t Shoot

“Federal corrections expenditures, driven by new federal drug-sentencing changes, went from five hundred and forty-one million dollars in 1982 to more than $6.9 billion in 2006, and state corrections expenditures that year totalled more than forty-two billion dollars.  California now spends about two and a half times as much per prison inmate as it does per student in the University of California system.”

Wrong. Just plain wrong.

In an email to someone about a performance at the Thick House in Potrero Hill, Google served up with two ads in particular that resonated with me: meet local hot black singles and pilates classes. Thanks Google.

I had no idea one person could cause this much collateral damage.  All I wanted to do was have a discussion.  Your actions have cause me to cry, throw books at walls, alienate my friends, question my reasoning and post questionable blog entries.

I’m wondering if you’ll ever take your head out of the sand to see what’s going on around you.

Maybe 24 hours of drinking and greasy Filipino food wasn’t such a good idea.  *burp*

I need a detox.  Salad, please!